How to Become a More Solid Person

What Does It Mean to Be Solid?

Being a "solid" person, in the language of Crucible Therapy, means having a stable sense of who you are that does not collapse under pressure. It means being able to stay true to yourself when your partner disagrees with you, when conflict arises, or when you face difficult emotions. A solid person can be deeply connected to others without losing themselves in the process.

Solidity is not the same as rigidity or stubbornness. A solid person can be flexible, can change their mind, and can be influenced by others. But they change because they genuinely see things differently, not because they cannot tolerate the discomfort of disagreement. They hold their positions because they believe in them, not because they need to be right or cannot handle being challenged.

Solidity is also not the same as emotional coldness or independence. Highly solid people are capable of deep intimacy and connection. In fact, their solidity makes deeper intimacy possible because they can be fully present with another person without becoming anxious, reactive, or needy. They can let someone truly know them because they do not need that person's approval to feel okay about themselves.

Developing greater solidity is a lifelong process. No one is perfectly solid, and everyone has areas where they are more reactive or dependent than they would like. The goal is not perfection but gradual growth. Each time you manage to hold onto yourself in a difficult moment, you become a little bit stronger.

Know What You Stand For

The foundation of solidity is having clarity about your own values, beliefs, and principles. You cannot hold onto yourself if you do not know who you are. Many people have never taken the time to really articulate what they believe, what matters to them, and what kind of person they want to be.

Take time to reflect on your core values. What principles guide your life? What kind of person do you want to be in your relationships, your work, your community? What are you willing to stand up for, even when it is uncomfortable? Writing down your answers can help clarify your thinking.

It is important to distinguish between positions you have arrived at through genuine reflection and positions you have simply absorbed from others. Many of our beliefs were handed to us by our families, our culture, or our communities. There is nothing wrong with holding beliefs that others have taught us, but a solid person has examined these beliefs and chosen to affirm them rather than simply inheriting them unconsciously.

Be prepared for your values to evolve over time. Solidity does not mean holding the same positions forever regardless of new information or experience. It means that any changes come from genuine growth and reflection rather than from pressure or the need to please others. You can change your mind and still be solid as long as you are changing because you actually see things differently.

Practice Self-Soothing

One of the most important components of solidity is the ability to calm yourself down when you become activated or upset. If you depend on others to regulate your emotions, you will always be vulnerable to losing yourself when they are unavailable or when they disagree with you. Learning to self-soothe gives you a stable platform from which to engage with others.

Self-soothing is not about suppressing your emotions or pretending you are not upset. It is about having the capacity to experience difficult emotions without being overwhelmed by them. You feel the fear, the anger, the hurt, but you do not let these feelings dictate your behavior. You can hold onto yourself even in the midst of emotional turbulence.

There are many techniques for self-soothing. Deep breathing is one of the simplest and most effective. When you feel yourself becoming reactive, take several slow, deep breaths. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system and helps bring your body back to a calmer state. It sounds simple, but it works if you practice it consistently.

Self-talk is another powerful tool. What you say to yourself in difficult moments matters. Instead of escalating with thoughts like "I can't believe they said that" or "This is unbearable," practice calming self-talk: "This is uncomfortable, but I can handle it." "I don't have to react right now." "I can stay present even though I'm feeling anxious." Over time, this kind of self-talk becomes more automatic.

Physical grounding can also help. Feel your feet on the floor. Notice the sensation of your hands. Pay attention to what you can see, hear, and smell around you. These techniques bring you back to the present moment and out of the reactive emotional patterns that can hijack your thinking.

Tolerate Discomfort for Growth

Becoming more solid requires developing a greater tolerance for discomfort. Growth almost always involves moving through uncomfortable feelings rather than around them. If you always choose comfort over growth, you will stay stuck at your current level of development.

This does not mean seeking out suffering for its own sake. It means being willing to experience discomfort when it serves a larger purpose. Having a difficult conversation with your partner is uncomfortable, but avoiding it prevents growth. Holding your position when your partner pressures you to back down is uncomfortable, but giving in means betraying yourself. Revealing something vulnerable about yourself is uncomfortable, but staying hidden prevents intimacy.

Practice sitting with discomfort rather than immediately trying to make it go away. When you feel anxious, notice the anxiety without immediately trying to fix it. When you feel the urge to avoid a difficult topic, consider whether engaging with it might serve your growth. When conflict arises, try staying present a little longer before retreating or escalating.

The key word is "tolerate." You do not have to enjoy discomfort or seek it out. You simply need to be able to endure it when necessary. Each time you successfully tolerate a difficult moment without falling apart or running away, you build your capacity. You prove to yourself that you can handle more than you thought.

Hold Your Position Under Pressure

One of the clearest tests of solidity is whether you can maintain your position when someone you care about pressures you to change it. This does not mean being stubborn or refusing to listen to other perspectives. It means being able to stay connected to what you think and feel even when it would be easier to just go along.

Many people collapse their positions when faced with a partner's disapproval or distress. They say yes when they mean no. They agree with things they do not actually believe. They abandon their own preferences to keep the peace. While this may reduce conflict in the short term, it erodes the self over time and prevents genuine intimacy.

Holding your position does not mean being aggressive or dismissive. You can acknowledge your partner's perspective, validate their feelings, and still maintain your own view. "I hear that you're disappointed. I understand why you wanted me to agree. And I still believe what I said." This combination of openness and firmness is the hallmark of healthy differentiation.

Start with small moments. When your partner asks where you want to eat dinner, actually tell them instead of deferring. When you disagree with something said in a conversation, voice your disagreement rather than staying silent. These small practices build the muscle you need for bigger moments.

Stop Seeking Validation

A major obstacle to solidity is the habit of seeking validation from others. When you need your partner to agree with you, approve of you, or affirm your worth, you have given them enormous power over your sense of self. You become dependent on their responses in ways that make genuine intimacy difficult.

Notice when you are seeking validation. Do you share your opinions hoping your partner will agree? Do you tell stories about your accomplishments hoping they will be impressed? Do you need reassurance about your attractiveness, intelligence, or worth? These are signs of other-validation, and they indicate opportunities for growth.

The alternative is self-validation. This means developing an internal sense of your own worth that does not depend on external feedback. You know what you think, and you do not need others to confirm it. You feel good about who you are, and you do not need praise to maintain that feeling. You can share yourself with others without needing any particular response.

Self-validation does not mean ignoring feedback or refusing to consider other perspectives. It means that your fundamental sense of self remains stable regardless of what others think. You can hear criticism without collapsing. You can be disagreed with without feeling invalidated. You can be yourself whether or not others approve.

This is perhaps the most challenging aspect of solidity to develop. Most of us have deeply ingrained habits of seeking validation that date back to childhood. Breaking these habits requires consistent attention and practice. But the freedom that comes from self-validation is worth the effort.

Embrace Your Integrity

Integrity, in this context, means aligning your actions with your values. A solid person does what they believe is right, even when it is difficult. They do not say one thing and do another. They do not compromise their principles to avoid discomfort or gain approval.

Living with integrity means being honest, even when honesty is uncomfortable. It means keeping your commitments, even when it would be easier to break them. It means standing up for what you believe, even when others push back. Every time you act against your integrity, you weaken your sense of self. Every time you act in alignment with your values, you strengthen it.

Pay attention to the small ways you might compromise your integrity in daily life. The white lies you tell to avoid awkwardness. The agreements you make that you do not really mean. The things you say yes to when you really want to say no. These small compromises add up and erode your solidity over time.

Choosing integrity often means choosing discomfort in the short term. Being honest about something your partner does not want to hear is uncomfortable. Following through on a commitment when you would rather not is uncomfortable. Saying no when someone wants you to say yes is uncomfortable. But these short-term discomforts build long-term solidity.

Use Your Relationship as a Growth Machine

Perhaps the most powerful opportunity for developing solidity is your intimate relationship itself. Schnarch calls marriage a "people-growing machine" because it naturally creates situations that challenge us to grow. Rather than avoiding these challenges or resenting them, you can embrace them as opportunities.

Every conflict with your partner is a chance to practice staying calm and present. Every disagreement is an opportunity to hold your position while remaining connected. Every moment of disappointment or frustration is a chance to self-soothe rather than demanding that your partner make you feel better.

This perspective transforms how you experience relationship difficulties. Instead of seeing problems as evidence that something is wrong, you can see them as the curriculum of your development. The very things that make relationships hard are the things that help you grow.

This does not mean accepting mistreatment or ignoring genuine problems. It means recognizing that even in a good relationship, there will be difficulties, and these difficulties can be opportunities rather than merely obstacles. The pressure that intimate relationships create is the pressure that forges stronger, more solid individuals.

The Long Road

Developing solidity is not a quick fix or a technique you can master in a weekend workshop. It is the work of a lifetime. Progress is often slow and uneven. You will have setbacks. You will fail to hold onto yourself in difficult moments. This is normal and expected.

The goal is not to become perfectly solid but to gradually increase your capacity. Each time you successfully stay present in a difficult conversation, you build a little more strength. Each time you self-soothe instead of seeking rescue from your partner, you become a little more capable. These small gains accumulate over time.

Be patient with yourself and with the process. Celebrate small victories. When you notice yourself handling something better than you would have in the past, acknowledge your growth. When you fall back into old patterns, treat yourself with compassion while recommitting to your development.

The rewards of becoming more solid are profound. You will experience deeper intimacy because you can truly be yourself with another person. You will handle conflict more gracefully because you will not be as reactive or threatened. You will feel more at peace because your sense of self will not be constantly buffeted by others' responses. You will become capable of the kind of love that is only possible between two whole, differentiated individuals.

The journey toward solidity is challenging, but it is among the most worthwhile journeys a person can undertake. Every step toward greater differentiation is a step toward becoming more fully yourself and more capable of genuine love.