Intimacy and Desire

Chapter 1: There Is Always a Low Desire Partner

Chapter 1 introduces one of the most fundamental concepts in understanding sexual desire within relationships: there is always a low desire partner (LDP) and a high desire partner (HDP), and the low desire partner always controls sex. This isn't a pathology or a sign that something is wrong with one person – it's simply a mathematical reality in any relationship where two people have different levels of desire for anything.

Schnarch emphasizes that the HDP/LDP dynamic is universal and unavoidable. Even if both partners have relatively high sex drives, one will always want sex slightly more often or more intensely than the other, making them the HDP by comparison. The positions can also shift over time or in different circumstances – the partner who was once pursuing may become the one pulling away.

The crucial insight is that the LDP controls when sex happens simply by virtue of mathematics. If one person wants sex three times a week and the other wants it once, sex will happen approximately once a week unless the LDP chooses to participate more often. This gives the LDP tremendous power in the relationship, though it often doesn't feel that way to them.

Understanding this dynamic helps couples stop personalizing desire discrepancies as rejection or inadequacy. It's not about one partner being "broken" – it's about how desire naturally distributes in any pairing of two individuals.

Chapter 2: Since Your "Self" Showed Up, Sexual Desire Hasn't Been the Same

Chapter 2 explores a profound truth about human sexuality: human desire involves selfhood in ways that animal desire does not. While animals operate on instinct and hormones, humans bring their entire sense of self – their identity, history, meanings, and anxieties – into the bedroom.

Schnarch argues that this is both a blessing and a complication. On one hand, it means human sexuality can achieve depths of meaning, connection, and pleasure that no other species experiences. On the other hand, it means our sexual desire is vulnerable to all the complexities of human psychology – our insecurities, our need for validation, our fears of rejection, and our struggles with identity.

The chapter illustrates how desire problems are often self problems. When someone loses desire, it frequently has less to do with their partner's attractiveness or their hormone levels and more to do with what sex means to them, how they feel about themselves, and what emotional risks intimacy poses to their sense of self.

This reframes desire issues as opportunities for personal growth. Rather than treating low desire as a medical problem to be fixed with pills or techniques, Schnarch invites readers to explore what their desire (or lack thereof) reveals about their relationship with themselves.

Chapter 3: The Low Desire Partner Usually Controls the High Desire Partner's Adequacy

Chapter 3 delves into the emotional dynamics between partners, revealing that the LDP typically controls not just when sex happens, but also the HDP's sense of sexual adequacy and desirability. This is where the concepts of borrowed functioning and solid self become critical.

Schnarch explains that many people operate on "borrowed functioning" – they need their partner's validation, acceptance, and desire to feel okay about themselves. The HDP who constantly seeks sex may actually be seeking reassurance that they're desirable, lovable, and adequate. When the LDP says no, the HDP doesn't just miss out on sex – they experience a blow to their self-worth.

This dynamic gives the LDP enormous (and often unwanted) power. Every time they decline sex, they may inadvertently be communicating to the HDP that they're not attractive enough, not good enough, or not worthy. The LDP often feels burdened by this responsibility and may resent being put in the position of managing their partner's self-esteem.

The solution lies in developing a "solid self" – an identity and sense of worth that doesn't depend on your partner's validation. When the HDP can maintain their sense of adequacy regardless of whether the LDP wants sex, and when the LDP can say no without feeling guilty about crushing their partner, the relationship gains freedom and authenticity.

Chapter 4: Holding On to Your Self – The Four Points of Balance

Chapter 4 presents Schnarch's practical framework for differentiation: The Four Points of Balance. These are the capacities that allow you to maintain your sense of self while staying connected to your partner, especially during times of conflict or anxiety.

The first point is Solid Flexible Self – having a clear sense of who you are, what you believe, and what you value, while remaining open to growth and change. This isn't rigidity; it's knowing yourself well enough that you can be flexible without losing yourself.

The second point is Quiet Mind-Calm Heart – the ability to self-soothe, to regulate your own emotions, and to think clearly even when anxious or upset. This means you don't need your partner to calm you down or validate you before you can function.

The third point is Grounded Responding – responding to your partner based on your values and thoughtful consideration rather than reacting from anxiety, fear, or old emotional patterns. Grounded responding means you choose how to engage rather than being triggered into automatic reactions.

The fourth point is Meaningful Endurance – the capacity to tolerate pain and discomfort for growth. This recognizes that differentiation and intimacy often require going through difficult periods, and having the ability to endure this discomfort purposefully is essential for transformation.

Chapter 5: Intimacy Shapes Your Sexual Desire

Chapter 5 examines the profound relationship between intimacy and desire, introducing the crucial distinction between other-validated intimacy and self-validated intimacy. This distinction explains why some couples lose desire as they become closer, while others find their desire deepening.

Other-validated intimacy is the kind most people think of when they hear the word "intimacy" – it involves being accepted, understood, and validated by your partner. While this feels good, it has a significant limitation: you can only share the parts of yourself you think your partner will accept. This creates pressure to hide your true self and present only acceptable versions.

Self-validated intimacy, by contrast, involves sharing yourself with your partner while holding onto your own sense of worth regardless of their response. You reveal yourself not because you need validation but because you choose to be known. This requires much more differentiation but creates space for genuine authenticity and depth.

Schnarch argues that sustained sexual desire in long-term relationships requires self-validated intimacy. When people depend on their partner's acceptance to feel okay, sex becomes fraught with anxiety about performance and approval. But when they can be fully themselves without needing validation, sex becomes an arena for genuine connection rather than reassurance-seeking.

Chapter 6: Changing Monogamy from Martyrdom to Freedom

Chapter 6 addresses a common complaint in long-term relationships: the feeling that monogamy is a prison or sacrifice. Schnarch offers a radically different perspective, arguing that monogamy can shift from feeling like martyrdom to becoming an experience of freedom – but only through differentiation.

Many people experience monogamy as giving up options, settling for less, or sacrificing their desires for the relationship. This "martyrdom" view breeds resentment and makes commitment feel like a burden. The partner becomes associated with limitation rather than choice.

Schnarch reframes monogamy as a choice that reflects your values and desires rather than a sacrifice imposed upon you. When you're well-differentiated, you choose monogamy not because you have to, but because you want to – because you value what it offers and what it represents. This shift from obligation to choice transforms the emotional experience of commitment.

The chapter also explores how differentiation allows partners to be truly chosen rather than merely settled for. When your partner stays not because they fear being alone or can't do better, but because they genuinely want to be with you, the relationship gains a depth and security that anxious clinging can never provide.

Chapter 7: Desire Fades When You Stop Growing

Chapter 7 delivers a challenging message: sexual desire often fades in relationships not because familiarity breeds contempt, but because personal growth has stalled. When couples stop developing as individuals, their relationship – and their sex life – tends to stagnate.

Schnarch challenges the common notion that passion inevitably declines with time and familiarity. He argues that what actually kills desire is the calcification of the relationship – when both partners stop challenging themselves, stop growing, and settle into comfortable but deadening routines.

The chapter explains that eroticism requires a degree of tension, mystery, and aliveness that stagnation destroys. When you stop evolving, you become completely predictable to your partner (and to yourself). There's nothing new to discover, no edge to navigate, no growth to witness. The relationship becomes like a still pond rather than a flowing river.

The prescription isn't novelty for its own sake (like trying new sexual positions or adding toys), but genuine personal development. When partners continue to grow, challenge themselves, and evolve, they remain interesting to each other. Each person continues to have something new to bring to the relationship.

Chapter 8: Wanting, Not Wanting to Want, and Two-Choice Dilemmas

Chapter 8 explores the complex psychology of desire, particularly the phenomenon of "not wanting to want" and the two-choice dilemmas that trap couples in painful cycles.

Schnarch identifies a common but rarely discussed experience: not wanting to want your partner. This goes beyond simple low desire – it's an active resistance to feeling desire, often because desire itself feels threatening, vulnerable, or likely to lead to disappointment. Some people suppress their wanting because they fear rejection, feel angry at their partner, or have learned that showing desire gives away too much power.

The chapter introduces two-choice dilemmas – situations where both available options feel unacceptable. For example: "If I pursue my partner sexually, I feel desperate and pathetic. If I don't pursue, I feel deprived and abandoned." Or: "If I have sex when I don't want to, I feel violated. If I don't have sex, I feel guilty and my partner feels rejected."

These dilemmas cannot be solved at the level at which they're posed. They require differentiation – growing to the point where you can tolerate the discomfort of either option, or where you find a third way that wasn't visible before. The growth required to navigate two-choice dilemmas is precisely the growth that transforms relationships.

Chapter 9: Normal Marital Sadism and the Devil's Pact

Chapter 9 introduces two of Schnarch's most provocative concepts: normal marital sadism (NMS) and the devil's pact. These explain much of the unconscious cruelty and collusion that occurs in struggling relationships.

Normal marital sadism refers to the everyday ways spouses hurt each other – the small cruelties, withholdings, and passive-aggressive behaviors that most couples engage in but rarely acknowledge. Schnarch emphasizes that this is "normal" (meaning common), not healthy. It includes things like knowing exactly what will hurt your partner and doing it anyway, withholding affection as punishment, or sabotaging your partner's confidence.

The devil's pact is the unconscious agreement couples make to not challenge each other's defenses, limitations, or comfortable lies. "I won't push you to grow if you don't push me." This pact provides short-term comfort but leads to long-term stagnation and resentment. Both partners stay stuck, and neither gets to experience what they or the relationship could become.

Breaking the devil's pact requires courage and differentiation. One partner must be willing to grow even if the other resists, to speak difficult truths even if it disrupts the peace, and to stop participating in the mutual limitation that keeps both people small.

Chapter 10: What Does It Take to Really Change Things? Critical Mass

Chapter 10 addresses the question every struggling couple asks: what does it actually take to create real, lasting change? Schnarch's answer centers on the concept of "critical mass" – the point at which enough pressure builds that transformation becomes inevitable.

Schnarch explains that superficial changes – new communication techniques, scheduled date nights, or negotiated compromises – rarely create lasting transformation. Real change requires reaching a critical mass of discomfort, insight, and readiness that makes the old patterns unsustainable.

Critical mass often feels like crisis. It's the point where the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of changing. Couples often resist reaching this point because it feels threatening, but Schnarch argues that avoiding critical mass just prolongs the dysfunction. Sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better.

The chapter also emphasizes that critical mass can't be artificially induced or rushed. It emerges from the natural process of gridlock intensifying until something has to give. The therapist's or individual's job is not to prevent crisis but to help people use the crisis productively when it arrives.

Chapter 11: Collaborative Alliance

Chapter 11 shifts toward practical application, introducing the concept of collaborative alliance – a mature partnership in which both people work together toward growth even when it's uncomfortable.

A collaborative alliance differs from the "emotional fusion" that characterizes many relationships. In fusion, partners feel responsible for each other's feelings, try to manage each other's emotions, and lose themselves in the relationship. In collaborative alliance, each person maintains responsibility for themselves while choosing to support their partner's growth.

This kind of partnership requires both differentiation and goodwill. Partners must be able to tolerate anxiety without demanding that the other fix it, to hear difficult truths without crumbling, and to offer honest feedback without cruelty. They work together not to protect each other from discomfort but to help each other grow through it.

Schnarch describes how collaborative alliance transforms conflict from a threat into an opportunity. When both partners are committed to growth and trust each other's intentions, disagreements become chances to learn rather than battles to win.

Chapter 12: Tender Loving Sex

Chapter 12 explores what becomes possible sexually when couples develop greater differentiation: tender loving sex that combines passion with emotional depth and genuine connection.

Schnarch distinguishes tender loving sex from both routine "maintenance sex" and the frantic intensity some couples chase. Tender loving sex involves being fully present with your partner, bringing your whole self to the encounter, and allowing genuine vulnerability. It's not about technique or performance but about connection.

This kind of sex requires the differentiation developed throughout the book. You must be able to maintain your sense of self while being deeply intimate, to reveal yourself without needing your partner's validation, and to receive your partner's authentic self without trying to change them.

The chapter addresses how tender loving sex often feels more "dangerous" than superficial sex because there's more at stake emotionally. When you're truly present and vulnerable, rejection or disconnection hurts more. This is why many couples unconsciously avoid deep intimacy even while complaining about lack of connection.

Chapters 13-14: Techniques and Integration

The final chapters provide practical techniques for implementing the book's concepts and integrating them into daily life. Schnarch offers concrete exercises and approaches while emphasizing that techniques without differentiation are ultimately ineffective.

These chapters revisit key practices like "hugging till relaxed" and "eyes-open sex" from the perspective of a reader who now understands the deeper principles. The techniques aren't tricks to improve sex but opportunities to practice and develop differentiation in an intimate context.

Schnarch emphasizes the importance of patience and persistence. The growth described in this book doesn't happen overnight. It requires ongoing commitment to facing yourself, tolerating discomfort, and continuing to develop even when progress feels slow.

The book concludes by returning to its central theme: that the challenges of intimate relationships are not obstacles to happiness but the very means by which we develop into more complete human beings. Sexual desire problems, far from being embarrassing dysfunctions, are invitations to the most important growth we can undertake.